Hello, marbles.

Senioritis

2010-02-20T22:40:00.002-07:00

It's the time of year where you're burned out by incredible amounts of extracurricular activities and very little motivation for daily homework. Plus the various scholarship applications are giving you bad dreams and you're officially stressed out over deadlines and decide it's time to go live in a convent.

WELL, Olympics have been swinging full-force this year and they have been excellent. My current favorites are Patrick chan, Shaun White, and Apollo Ohno. "But they're all male!" you say... yes, well 1)I haven't gotten to watch many events lately due to the above, and 2)Hey, I'm female. I've watched more events than I have in the past- to be honest, I never even knew there was a sport calling Curling! And quite an event it is, haha.

Watching the ice skaters has really made me want to learn to jump on the ice. I can skate in circles all day long, but I've never had any sort of training, of course. I think it would be fun, not even to compete, but just have the personal satisfaction of being strong and skilled enough to do a few slick moves or whatnot. The only problem is my younger sister is currently taking said classes, which is honestly kind of a blow to my pride. I have to get over that. But anywho, I don't think I would be bold enough to take beginners lessons... perhaps an older beginner class somewhere? Someday... Before I'm too old...

So I've decided on a college. I can't post it here, obviously, but let me say... it looks excellent. I'm excruciatingly (slight exaggeration) excited for the honors program. The campus itself is gorgeous and very new as far as the buildings themselves go. I actually got to see it for the first time this morning and take a big tour-question-event day. I had already accepted my offer with a bit of a gamble, but it looks like the gamble will pay off!

WELL I'm exhausted and I have a long list of things to do yet. There's my short update. Remember who you are!

In Christ,
Jessie

We're under fire.

2010-01-04T16:39:00.002-07:00

It's a new year. It's time to kick things up a notch.

Awhile back, my pastor posed the question: What would it look like to take one step toward a deeper relationship with God? I definitely pondered it and even took a little action. In the end, however, everything kind of trickled off.

Any relationship needs work. Like a muscle, it needs to be constantly exercised, or else it'll simply fall back to the way it was.

I need to read the Bible more. I simply need to make more time. It's definitely hard, and I'll definitely lose at least a little sleep once school starts, but God is the most important thing. How can I sit here at say I'm a Christian when I barely know the words I preach?

Hebrews 5:12-14
In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God's word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil. (Emphasis mine)

I was raised in the church and have learned plenty simply from going through Sunday school and being around fellow Christians. But in eight months I'm leaving home and leaving familiarity for a new town where I will know only a few people, if any, and I will be forced to take a stand for my faith and witness to people who may easily judge me for what I believe. I will meet professors who will be prejudiced against me. Will I be ready to give an answer for the hope that I have?

Now, no. I don't. I know the truth and I know my God, but I don't know how to defend it. I need to put on the armor of God to prepare for the battle to come.

I know there are many out there in a similar position. Let this be an encouragement. You may not be starting college, but know that even now your faith is under fire. We must be continually in prayer and be constantly in the Bible to have the tools of defense.

Mexico mission trip

2010-01-02T22:46:00.001-07:00

Hola! I'm in Mexico right now... just built a HOUSE! Check it out!
www.nvmexico.blogspot.com

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-27T15:44:00.003-07:00

Afternoon, folks!

Hope you all had wonderful Christmases! Mine was... pretty darn fantastic. I feel so blessed. I recieved quite a bit of college prep stuff, including some sweaters (yes, I got clothes for Christmas!), a lovely scarf, and a Magic Bullet. I really got a Magic Bullet. And let me tell you, it looks darn silly on tv, but once it's in your hands, all you can think is, "Wow... I'm holding the ultimate kitchen appliance." So hurray for transportable blender machine things!

At the end of the morning, there was a single tiny gift under the tree. Long story short, it held car keys. I can still hardly believe it... what a blessing!! Now I'll be able to travel to college and back with ease. Plus school, plus work, plus friends' houses; Oh my goodness. It's a used car and is technically my mom's, but it's still in great condition and is primarily mine to use. I'm thinking of naming her Nellie, haha.

In other news, I have indeed decided on a college, but I obviously can't post which one it is here. Just know it's a... school. Mmhm. I have to start submitting financial aid stuff soon.

Anywho, a new year is on its way! I remember on 2000's eve, my whole church group gathered at someone's house and most of the kids fell asleep to a robot movie. It's the Disney movie with the gigantic robot who befriends a little boy... name, anyone? :/ Haha but everyone wore "2000" glasses and hats and whatnot. Hard to believe it was already ten years ago!

So what are your resolutions? I haven't really thought of any yet, so here's a list off of the top of my head...

Get in shape (every resolution list has to start with this one!)
Paint a masterpiece by the end of the year
Not always get ticked off with my brother and sister when they start arguing
Keep the car in tip-top shape
Memorize more Bible verses (I know it's vague, but I don't have an action plan yet)

So, only five, but you have to be realistic. ;]

Drive safely, don't drink and drive, and all that good stuff. Merry Christmas and happy New Year!

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T10:15:00.002-07:00

How great is our Lord Jesus Christ! And how great is our God who has lavished upon us so many blessings both today and all year!

Yes, I'm being lame and blogging on Christmas day. But truly, how blessed we are.

Long day, long work ahead... but Christmas is coming!

2009-12-07T22:30:00.007-07:00

Ahh, life has been crazy! I apologize profusely for not keeping current. As an excuse, I'm in school every day, then I either have choir, work, or a mountain of homework after school. Well, the third is every night, regardless...

Life's good. Today some buddies and I drove to Chipotle for dinner before choir (best place in the world). After, we got some hot chocolate and just drove around. Ended up on a lower rung of a mountainside. It actually rained today, so the lighting was exquisite. This was taken from my phone -why do I never have a camera on days like this?- so please excuse the poor quality!

In other news, finals are coming up. Yike-o. I really should be catching up on missed sleep right now, but I guess that'll have to wait.

Christmas is just around the corner! Finished your Christmas shopping? It seems that each year my mom approaches me and says she's already bought presents for my siblings. I pay for a few items and wha-la, the gift is from me. I suppose I feel a little guilty, after all, I didn't hand-pick the gifts for them. But then again, they'll be happy either way, and it saves trouble on everyones' part. Next year I'll bring some stuff home from college, perhaps, but for now, I'll rely on mom. I won't be able to for much longer!

Well, it's definitely time for bed now. The headache is creeping on... must fall asleep before it takes hold. Say hello to the sun for me... haven't seen him all day. <3

Sisters, guard your hearts.

2009-08-03T01:05:00.003-07:00

I'm feeling a bit down tonight. It's 1 am, I'm in the middle of cleaning my room (weird timing, I know, but it has to be done at some point!), and I feel a bit disconnected from the rest of the world. I guess that shows my dependence on the internet, hmm? None of my friends are awake, and I'm the only one stirring the air in this house. Besides the ceiling fans.

I have a heavy topic on my mind tonight, for one thing, that I feel I must constantly remind myself and my friends of. Guard your heart. Especially you sisters who are not entertaining marriage any time soon. Don't listen to what your friends at school may say- Don't listen to the lies that you should flirt with the cute guy a few seats away in English class. But it goes beyond that. Friendships are friendships. It's alright to have close guy friends. But do not allow a good friendship to become an intimate one. It's natural to want to run to the strong, upstanding guys when we girls need help (help that is more often that not emotional). But be on your guard! Do not become intimate with a guy unless you plan to marry him. Once you begin to think of him as more than a friend, you start down a one-way path to a broken heart. After all, it is likely that you may both end up being attracted to one another. That's often how it works- you are attracted to someone who is attracted to you.

However, these teenage relationships progress like a wildfire. Bam, bam, bam. Smiling, holding hands, kissing. But sisters, be warned. They end as quickly as they begin.

Guard your heart so that you are not overwhelmed by your own hormonal feelings!

This little sermon is spurned on by a happening in my own life. I am suddenly seeing a close male friend in a different light, in a way that I don't want to see him. It's a reminder and a perfect example of what is described above. I think I'm going to have to back up a bit.

Note: Please take into account that I am a teen girl. I speak what comes to mind, and often that source is often a bit jumbled. :] But the foundation is what I know to be true.

2009-07-31T16:34:00.002-07:00

My senior year of high school starts on the 17th. Penny for the thoughts of you fellow students...

Freshmen
What do you expect high school to be?
Any goals for the new school year?
Just because you're at the bottom of the ladder, it doesn't mean you can't change your school.

Sophomores
You're not an upperclassman yet, but don't let that stop you from making older friends.
About half of you will change drastically over high school. For better or worse is your choice.
What did you do last year that you regret? What can you do to stop it from happening again?
What can you do to develop your interests?

Juniors
Get ready for a heavy workload.
You're halfway there, so don't stop now!
Graduation is closer than you think. Do you feel ready to tackle the next hurdle?
What can you do to ensure a good year for yourself and your classmates? Make the best of it; there's only so much time before it's over.

Seniors
I'll know what to say next year. :p

The name of "Jessie"

2009-06-07T15:59:00.002-07:00

My friend sparked an interest in me concerning my name. He spoke of Jacob's name means "deceiver," or something along those lines. Apparently Jacob (as in the father of the twelve sons) deceived people many times before his name was changed to Israel. It got me thinking: if names have so much power, why on earth haven't I looked into the meaning of my own?

Here are some keywords I found after researching online for a time:
God is gracious
Rich
God beholds
One who looks forth

I haven't a clue what the last one could mean. There are too many things associated with the phrase. The others, however, are exciting!

Here are the male meanings:
Wealthy
Jehovah/Yahweh exists
My husband
Gift

Based on the meaning "my husband," I'm assuming the meanings aren't interchangeable. Or, at least, that meaning isn't.

There are several arguments over where "Jessie" originated, and maybe they are all correct in their own way. For example, there is the most obvious, from the name "Jessica." Jessica was first created by Shakespeare. It is thought he created the name from Iscah (in his time it would have been spelled as Jesca). A Jessy, on the other hand, has a less complicated origin as "a maker of hesses for hawks."

Who knew?

Now, what does your name mean? I highly suggest looking into it. It's exciting to learn the history of your name, the word that you know yourself by, and, perhaps, defines you. But the latter comment is a discussion for another time. :]

Senior at long last. :]

2009-05-22T22:24:00.002-07:00

Can you believe it? It rained on the last day of school... a perfect ending.
A friend (Amanda) and I hung out after the last final, waiting for my dad to pick us up. It hit us square in the foreheads... we're seniors. Honestly, it was like liquid power seeping from a giant funnel into our veins. We. Are. Seniors.

I have so much hope for next year. This year was one of transition... from nerdy underclassman to somewhat improved junior. Now, it's time to revel in all the changes and get excited for even more. I cannot wait to revel in the freedom call car, job, and time!

I suppose now's a time for reflection, too. Hmm. I'm really glad to have the friends I have now. Second semester was insane, but I came out alive, with both old and new friends in hand. :] I'm so happy to have been in my school's a cappella choir. It's really changed my voice, my feelings, my outlook on life... haha!

I regret a few things too. But everyone does. I suppose everyone appreciates generally the same things, so what's really the point of writing this?

Well, this is generally a half-wasted entry. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Especially if you don't know me (is there anyone who reads this but doesn't know me?)... I have the utmost respect for you.

Hang loose, friends. :]

Personality Plus

2009-04-21T21:33:00.002-07:00

I've been reading a remarkable book called "Personality Plus" by Florence Littauer. At first glance it seems cheesy: anyone would feel self-conscious when picking up a book with a subtitle of "How to Understand Others by Understanding Yourself." However, I cannot stress how accurate its personality portrayals are. I've taken multiple personality tests (Facebook, professional programs, etc.) out of curiosity, but nothing has even come close. This books nails personalities on the dot.

This first step is a small evaluation to see which of the four traits (Popular Sanguine, Powerful Choleric, Perfect Melancholy, and Peaceful Phlegmatic) you are; or, rather, what your blend of them is. It pinpoints your behavior and why you do it, as well as explaining why others do certain things and how to get along with them.

It's been interesting to see the personality traits of my friends be explained. For example, I have one friend, Sarah, who is my best example of a Popular Sanguine. Always the bubbly one, life of the party, and attracted to bright colors. Mr. Meyer, my history teacher, is a Powerful Choleric who is very straightforward and no-nonsense when it comes to getting things done. My dad is a Perfect Melancholy, musically-oriented, very attentive to detail, and extremely introspective.

In conclusion, I highly reccommend this book to anyone and everyone. It's interesting and fun to read, to be sure, in addition to giving direction if you're feeling a bit lost about self identity (seems corny, but entirely true!). In my opinion, it answers so many questions and sheds light on so many aspects of life. I may be biased because I've just read the book, but I believe it provides the kind of knowledge that can benefit you throughout the rest of your life.

In other news, I have to go take care of my pet snake. Au revoir!

Angry

2009-03-27T22:59:00.002-07:00

I regret it. I always do.
Watch an awesome movie. Get caught up in the fantasy.
Look up the actor. Find out he's some old gay guy.
Way to ruin a great impression of Nightcrawler in X2.

Ugh, it makes me so mad. I debated and debated.
Finally went for it.
After all, Nightcrawler is the coolest. <3
Man, I could eat a shoe right now.

Goodnight.

The air smells line Pinesol

2009-02-26T21:24:00.003-07:00

Good evening. Man, first night in awhile that I've been able to get online. I had a term paper due yesterday, which I finally got finished. After my AP Euro test this morning, any amount of studying seems small! ^^

We just got a digital converter box hooked up. My parents also ended cable. No biggy; I don't watch much tv anyways. I'm just a little disappointed we don't have Discovery anymore.
On the upside, I've discovered NPR (on the radio, for those who are more visually-inclined). I have it on fairly often. It's great to take in information like that while doing algebra.

Mm, I'm tired. Tomorrow's not going to be a fun morning. Saturday's even worse. My mom, sister, and I are going to the church where I take piano lessons and cleaning for 3 hours. Then my mom's hosting a jewelry party (like a Pampered Chef party). Bianca, Brigitte, and Nicolette are coming, hopefully! Gosh, I hope you guys can. I miss you. :[ Anyways, then at 3:30 I'm leaving with my school's a cappella choir down south for about 6 hours to sing at a church down there Sunday morning. We're housing with some of the congregation members. Six hours is awhile... hope boredom doesn't set in. You can't really write much in a bumpy bus.

The Europe trip I'm taking with my class is coming up quickly. Next weekend! It's crazy. I got a camera for the trip; just trying to get my hands on a memory card and batteries.

A random point of interest...

Wait, just kidding. Too tired to say anything interesting.
G'night. :p

Patience

2009-02-14T18:32:00.002-07:00

So I've been a bit addicted to youtube lately. Found a great new jpop band (Japanese Pop, for those out of the look. ;] just kidding, of course) called Perfume.

Got my permit last week... went on my first (legal) driving lesson! On the open road for the first time. ^^ Nearly went into the wrong lane and the curves where pretty jerky at first, but I'm getting better. Woohoo! :]

On another note...
Every day is a constant battle between following God or the world. It's heart-gripping. The world holds so many allures... so many desires. I'm not talking anything sexual, but just the simple things... "I wish I could be like her" "Why don't I act like that?" "How come I don't look like that?" It's times like that I just want to scream out and sit in silence with only the silk called God enveloping me. It's then that I know everything's fine, and the outside melts away. Who cares what I look like? God is the mirror of the heart.

Valentine's Day has gotten me thinking. By the way, happy v-day. ^^ But really. Through one of my teachers at school, I've learned some incredible things about love. I'll try to share it, but it's not easy to explain. My heart has retreated from my sleeve at long last and life has so much more purpose. Crazy, I know! Yet it's true. Things will still be a battle as far as guys go, but purpose is starting to emerge. True love waits. I'm not talking just about abstinence here. It's suddenly all become so clear... true love waits. True love says "I will wait in silence for you, with eyes open and observing, but my heart is none but yours." Wow, this is turning into a diary. >.> But anyways, it simplifies matters of love tenfold. Girls, let me tell you right now... devote yourself to God and only God, and everything else follows suit. It's amazing. Be patient.

Patience. What a beautiful word.

"Spring Fling"

2009-02-07T22:33:00.003-07:00

Ugh, what a retarded night.
Spent all day doing chores. Got ready to go to the Sadie Hawkins dance.
Worst. Dance. EVER.
The music was from an ipod! (What, too cheap to get a DJ?) No one was encouraged to dance, so things took awhile to catch on.
There was only one teacher chaperoning, and it was... weird.
Things were also awkward, for reasons undisclosed.
DRAMA. Dude, where do highschoolers come up with all this stuff? It's like... their lives. Dx Wake up, please! There's more to life than what happened at so-and-so's house 50 million years ago!
Ugh, night wasted. I should have saved my money and stayed home. Could have finished my term paper due on Monday (stupid thing).
Going to bed. What a wasted night. A million... billion things better I could have done.

A day in the life of a dream

2009-02-06T20:59:00.002-07:00

So I've been wanting to make a blog entry lately, only I'm not sure what about.

Let's see... I've been reading Inkheart by Cornelia Funke. The movie looks pretty good, but I want to finish the book first! The book is well-written. It's refreshing after a lot of empty books with no real... thickness about them. Inkheart is pleasantly thought-provoking.

Last night, as a family, we finished reading Watership Down. My dad read the entire thing aloud to us. A really good book, but I suspect it might get a bit boring reading it on your own. Still, a work of genius.

So I have a 12-page paper due on Monday. I have about 2 and a half done. That's the downfall of reading... get sucked in, and nothing (NOTHING) will get done! I've been reading all, all, all day... barely any homework done, no piano practice, no movement... just sitting and reading, and enjoying every minute of it.

I've been kind of obsessed with dreams lately. And, subsequently, an obsession with telling only a select few their contents (and even then, never the whole story). Dreams are incredible... you're a genius when you're asleep. I've had some particularly vivid ones lately, the kind you wish existed, wished so incredibly much... it's painful, returning to reality. Returning to a reality without mermaids, flying, dolls that come to life, and tiny fairy princes. Those are my dreams. And how positively amazing they are!

On a more realistic update... got my permit today! Six months and I'll be driving all on own ;] My mom's a little ticked because when I get a job over the summer, she'll be driving me there and back, etc. Kind of a sticky situation there.

Going to Europe in one month!

What is love?

2009-01-19T13:04:00.002-07:00

I've been debating whether to write this here or not, but I figure it can't hurt anything.

It's just some basic thoughts on love modified from my diary (yes, I DO keep a diary!) that I think anyone who is single or dating should remember. Now, I've never been in love, so I can really only echo back what I've been told and what I feel to be right.
Here it goes!

What is love? It is a choice. A conscious decision, not an uncontrollable feeling. It comes from knowing someone's heart inside and out, yet still dying to spend time with them. The person you marry should not be someone you're JUST passionate about. Anyone can be passionate. Anyone can get someone stuck in their head for weeks. It's when you know all the failures of a person and accept them, and the same the other way around, that you know there's something special.
The person you marry should be someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. There won't always be a fiery romance as you age together! Your spouse should be your best friend.
Although not impossible to do without, a relationship's certainly easier when you share the same opinions. Even further, favorite activities.
The person you marry must have love for you bigger than your mistakes.
Find a spouse who will love you completely. Fully. Purely. Beautifully.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

Three-day Weekend! :D

2009-01-17T08:53:00.003-07:00

Ugh, I have a cough again. Dx I've had the darn thing since November. Constantly. I was just getting better, but now it's gaining force again. And I audition for the play on Thursday!! I have to keep this cough down!

Lots of drama (not just empty omg-drama, but the serious stuff) last night and this morning. Whoo-boy. Three separate events happening at once... it's crazy.

I can't talk long... some relating drama stuff going on this morning. See you. :]

The Teen Years

2009-01-04T19:34:00.001-07:00

False maturity.
Mistakes.
No mistakes.
Regret.
Thoughtlessness.
Hope.
Aspiring.
Downtrodden.
Too many friends.
Not enough true ones.
Need the truth.
Don't tell me.
Thinking.
Mindless.
Waiting.

2008-12-20T23:14:00.002-07:00

Teenage life is crazy. I'm beginning to think teenagers have an innate sense of hiding their speech behind empty code. Or is that just me? Here's some seemingly meaningless Christmas-themed jargon. Good luck interpreting!

'Twas less than a week before Christmas. "I'll check my emails!" the teen said, hoping for the one special letter from Santa, the one promising the latest information and secret gossip. The teen was disappointed until, later that day, Santa followed through as promised.

Dear Teen,
Got your request. Here's the news: The elves are all busy, but that's just the usual. So-and-so likes Cup-o-joe, but you already knew that. Not much to tell except for I'm getting constant emails from you. Shall I be annoyed?
Yours, Santa.
p.s. Be careful with your speech.

The teen read with caution, thinking it all through and heeding Santa's words. Yet, just as the teen always had done, the teen sped out another email requesting more information, adding a special "Merry Christmas" at the end. Feeling rather immature, the teen sat and waiting all day for the next update.

---

Yes, being a teen and writing in code is idiotic, immature, pointless, and wastes everyones' time. I apologize. They're just so much fun to write, even if it's impossibly difficult or impossibly easy to understand. Don't think too hard. :]

Misunderstandings

2008-12-19T22:37:00.000-07:00

A misunderstanding never fully explained leaves much to be explored. They're one of the many oddities of this life, next to lost thoughts and unheard sounds. It's similar to the question: "How many numbers are between 1 and 2?" The answer, obviously, is infinity, for the decimal points would continue on forever (1.9, 1.99...).

So a misunderstanding occurs between two people, and the details, however seemingly obvious, are vastly intricate. One person is trained to believe one way, the other influenced the opposite. Or perhaps they believe the same thing, yet do not realize it? Then there are the blends creating a gradient of ideas, thoughts, and feelings.

Still following? May perhaps be continued. Perhaps not. And look at that... a beginning of a misunderstanding.

Dark Matter

2008-11-25T06:39:00.003-07:00

Good morning!

Well, it's finally happened... internet on my laptop is gone. A bummer, really. But I'm hoping for a router for Christmas.

So I've been researching up a storm for my semester term paper in English. I've decided to do it on black matter and black holes. In my internet surfing, I found an online magazine, with several articles on black matter. The articles themselves were plain enough, but then I got down to the comments.
The first comment was from a woman who exclaimed how when she heard about dark matter, it was as if she knew all along. She says it is God himself, not some invisible matter that can be explained through reasoning.

Now, I personally don't believe that. That's the same sort of thing as when the early astronomers thought the heavenly spheres circled around perfectly, as if held directly in God's hand. We know now that it is gravity that keeps things in orbit, not the direct hand of God. (There are many more vague philosophical ideas that could be explored, but I won't get into those.)

So what do you think? Any thoughts or comments?

Just a wee little update...

2008-10-23T18:29:00.002-07:00

Hello!
So I'm currently at a family friends' house. Finally got the internet connection organized...

So homecoming week was awesome. Homecoming dance was bittersweet. It really stinks when the one you like dances with three other people and gives you about... three glances.

Um, not much to share. I'm tired. I got up an hour late (6 instead of 5 am), so I was almost late to homeroom. I finished most of my homework; only an analysis of the English Bill of Rights left (fun fun fun).

There's not much else to share. Have a good week, everyone. :]

Mistakes.

2008-10-16T16:27:00.002-07:00

Hello.
I am rather blue today. I hate sin, the way it overtakes you. I sinned today, like I have many days. It sickens me. I want to throw up. God, please forgive me, even though I don't deserve it. Aggh, please keep me from sin, Jesus.

Create in me a clean heart, O God
And renew a right spirit within me!
Cast me not away from your presence, O Lord!
Take not your Holy Spirit from me!
Restore unto me the joy of my salvation...
And renew a right spirit within me.

Spirit (Homecoming) Week hath begun!

2008-10-13T22:58:00.004-07:00

Rawr. It's already 11 pm. Can't type long...

Well, it's spirit week at school. Here are the theme days:
Monday: Crazy Day
Tuesday: Senior Citizen Day
Wednesday: Old School Day
Thursday: Night on the Nile (Homecoming theme day)
Friday: School Spirit Day

I'm psyched! Today was crazy day... Talk about fantabulous outfits. Maybe (doubtful) I'll post a few. I wore a hot pink plaid full suit and completely mod killer heels. Jeez, it was fun!

Well, I'll try to update more later... Goodnight.

Things are looking up a bit

2008-09-17T21:30:00.004-07:00

Mm, it's about 9:30 at night. I should probably go to bed... School's been so crazy lately. I was falling asleep on the couch downstairs. But then I had a wicked desire to check a few websites.
So here I am!

Things are going okay. Life's been a little turbulent lately, but things are starting to even out, I think. Some of my friends are going through a lot over things, so it's been very... taxing. Not to mention the homework ;;

Um, I'm actually at a bit of a loss for words, actually. Normally at this time of night, I'm chipper and even hyper. Bah, melancholy. I get it from my dad's side. All these weird little emotional quirks. As if being a teenager and female weren't enough!

I'm going to California on Friday. My Aunt Katie is having her first baby. A boy. The shower's on Saturday! It was a little awkward at Babies 'R' Us. I was really the only one of the group I was with (mom, grandma, little sister) who at least looks the right age. I really played up the I'm-just-a-kid part so no one would think I was the lucky mommy... ;;

I used to be a member of Gaia Online, an anime-based website where you can create your own little person, dress him or her up, play games, and socialize. I recently went back to my old account to check in on an old friend. See, when I was on Gaia, I was at the who-the-heck-am-I preteen stage. "Fell in love" with some guy who supposedly "loved" me back. I also said hi to him... the old friend told me this guy is totally backwards. Unfortunately, it's true. As it turns out, I've learned the reason he "broke up" (though we weren't technically dating) with me was because one, he had met someone new, and two, he knew he could never get me to do anything innappropriate over the internet. Boy, God certainly played a role in protecting me and my heart from that. But anyways I dropped him an email anyways. Maybe this is an opportunity God has given me to reach out.

I suppose I should go now. It's 9:45... I have to be up by 5 am. Oh, what fun being a student is!

'Til the chocolate chips,
Jessie

Just a little update

2008-08-31T20:52:00.002-07:00

School's started. I guess it's been awhile since I've written here, hasn't it? Oh well. Here's a nice little post that will most likely end up fairly long!

I'm currently summarizing a chapter for my AP European History class. Isn't that fun? Heh, actually it is. Well, interesting at least. I don't really appreciate the 27 pages that must be read through, highlighted, and outlined on the computer...

I'm considering taking up either some form of martial arts, track, or fencing. Something to pull me away from the constant sit-in-front-of-the-computer-doing-homework-itis. It's time I get really involved in both my school and the community. The former is fairly easy, actually. I'm on homecoming and prom committee, sit with different people in different classes... This year is certainly looking up. Last year, I was...
(ta-da!)
NERD GIRL!
Not a bad thing, really, if you don't include the low self esteem. But things are really changing; God's doing so many things in my life right now. It's really exciting! :]

Other news, other news...
This evening the family watched "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure". It's a movie I remember watching when I was really little. There are a few scenes of bad language and suggestive content, but besides that, it's a hilarious movie. A classic.

Hmm, so I guess it didn't turn out as long as I had anticipated. I'll try to get something besides my usual drawling soon. Perhaps a past English paper... those are always fun.

And to the readers of my little blog,
Swallow in good health!

Weekend Purity Conference

2008-08-18T20:32:00.002-07:00

I spent a weekend at a Girls of Purity conference with some friends. The content was fairly basic, but the speaker was phenomenal. I'm not ready to spill everything that happened that weekend, but God really revealed some things to me through a girl we were travelling with. It was simply amazing, and I was left in tears of... well, I'm not sure what kind of tears they were. The best explaination is it was simply all the emotions involved in hearing such words in God's presence. I want what she has. God is pulling me closer to Him, and I often find myself thinking how he's sitting right beside me. Or standing right above me, hand on my shoulder. I find myself just talking to him about my day or asking for help. My youth pastor said something that really got me thinking:

"Your parents want the best for you and would go to great lengths for it," she said, "So just imagine how much further God would go."

It really impacted how I view my relationship with Him and prayer in general. I am God's daughter. He truly can do anything! Only He has the strength to get me through whatever problems the day holds. The very idea is amazing. Even when I mess up, He's right there saying He forgives me. I've been feeling so happy lately and I find I hardly care how I look anymore. Who cares about makeup, the perfect outfit, or how thin you are? God sure doesn't! And I certainly shouldn't feel I need any of it to be beautiful in God's eyes.

Proverbs 31:30
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

School retreat!

2008-08-07T11:05:00.004-07:00

I'm going to a retreat this weekend from Friday (that's tomorrow!) to Sunday. I'm so excited! First is the bus ride, a nice, long 3-hour one. Plenty of time to goof off and get re-aquainted. The retreat is for incoming juniors of my school. It's a Christian school, so it's almost like an ultra-tiny church retreat!

From the information letter, there's lots of fun things to do, including even bikes you can check out. I'm so excited! If I'm correct, we'll be going north, so it's going to be a little cooler (I hope).

I'm off to go packing... lots of things to do before tomorrow!

A Nonsensical Poem

2008-08-02T18:05:00.003-07:00

I'm sitting here with Jamie.
The world is on my head,
And I pray I can forget it
Before I go to bed.
The air is very cold in here
Or is it very hot?
My siblings are humming, yes,
The gingerbread's been bought.
My head is all awhirling, yes,
Or is it all just still?
The cards are all around, a mess,
I have to pay the bill.
My foot sits on a hockey,
My backside on a green.
Oh where on earth am I?
Shall I ever be seen?
I wanted to write a nonsense poem.
This I hope I have accomplished.
A glass twists in a blue bubble.
...Jamie, what rhymes with accomplished? ^^;

Writer's brick?

2008-07-27T17:34:00.003-07:00

I am very confused and sick.
Do I have writer's block, or brick?
I'm not too sure,
And I cannot cure,
But what I type is a lymeric!

Eleven thirty at night.

2008-07-17T23:31:00.002-07:00

Eleven thirty at night.
Only the creaking of the fan above me
And the cricket in the attic
To keep away the ringing ears.
No one is awake but I,
Sitting all alone at my computer.
But I am not lonely.
How strange it is to know
There is somewhere I must go tomorrow.
Must get up early.
So why am I still awake?
Perhaps it is the peacefulness.
No real communication with those I know,
Or if so, very limited.
Just me, a bright screen,
The creaky fan, and God.
Everything else in the room melts away.
My head tells me I must go now.
Must get up early.
I must sleep to do so, after all.
So I bid you goodnight, dear reader.
Dear, dear reader.
And so I bid you goodnight, dear reader,
And I shall see you when the moon is gone.

Babysitting

2008-07-16T08:59:00.004-07:00

I babysit a little boy who lives across the street (we'll call him Billy for safety matters). I watch him once or twice a week. He's a very rambunctious 5-year-old, often getting into things he shouldn't. Needless to say, I'm constantly following him around. But, he's starting to learn the rules of the house, at least. Billy loves painting with watercolors and eating his snack in front of the tv. Unfortunately, I'll usually go through the trouble of putting a movie on, and Billy will say he's bored with it as soon as he's done with his snack. That's about ten minutes into the movie. It's amazing what a short attention span he has!

I'm babysitting his today for a few hours in the afternoon. His dad called just a little while ago. Unfortunately, as soon as we got the basics down (time), the phone cut out and finally dropped the call. I'm hoping he didn't think I hung up on him! He never called back. I think he wanted to discuss payment, since I babysat twice last week for short incremements. Maybe he wanted to pay only for one day, since the two days' hours together equaled a full day?

In that case, then it would be horrible if he thought I hung up on him! Oh gosh... I really hope that's not the case!

I won't even find out 'til after lunch!

~~~

Edit: All turned out okay, thank goodness! "Billy" is over as I type, happy as can be.

Selfish

2008-07-15T21:58:00.003-07:00

I feel like such a jerk. Sometimes I push it too far... I get too annoying, wanting the person to do something. Like to join a website I think they'd like. But then... it all crumbles. They don't say anything, but I'm left with the uncertainty... and myself.

Did you know I just said "I" five times? As if it's all about me.

I can get so sarcastic with people. Just joking with them and all... but then it turns serious out of the blue. God, please make me more selfless... humble my heart! I sometimes feel like I'm the best thing that ever walked the planet. How can I be so selfish?! So arrogant?!

Oh Lord, please humble my heart!

I really have no right to have a low self esteem. I'm God's creation, after all. But then, should I have a high one? Confident in myself? Where is the point when one is simply confident in God?

Is it okay to want to look nice? Is it okay to want to wear makeup, dress nicely, be slim, and try to get a nice haircut? Or is it all just vain self-absorption? Would it be better if we were all plain? Maybe the Amish have it all down the right way... But then again, God forgives. But at what point is vanity a sin? What kind of heart should I have?

...Or is this just a real-life example of my last post?

Lord, please guide my heart!

Teenage years

2008-07-14T23:51:00.002-07:00

The teenage years are so annoying. Everywhere you turn during school hours, you're surrounded by blobs of hormones opening lockers, chatting, taking notes... Let alone the emotions you're feeling! It's like a roller coaster with bad seatbelts. You nearly fall out when you're at the top, and just when you think it's over, your seatbelt sticks. And WHOOSH! You're stuck on it for another round!

At least, that's "teen" by my definition. After all, hormones seem to be the motive behind most of what we do. Gossip maliciously, wink at that senior, argue with the parents. If we didn't have such extreme emotions, life would be much easier! But on the other hand, where would that leave us?

So, I guess you have to take the good with the bad, then. Or at least try to find the good in that bad. Or even go swimming in the bad and hope one day you find the good... but now I'm confusing even myself.

Confusion? Oh no, it's those hormones again!

The Adventures of Dan and the Gang - Forest Fire

2008-07-14T00:37:00.005-07:00

My dad and his friends were rather naughty, sometimes having firecracker wars in the woods. This was done by simply dividing into two teams, lighting firecrackers, and throwing them at each other. I have no clue what went through their little heads, but apparently this was "fun"!

On one occassion, my father had a brilliant idea. Instead of having to light each one individually, when not just create a little fire on the ground so the firecrackers could be lit quickly? This proved revolutionary to our little band of junior highers, and soon the other team had their own fire going as well.

The war was raging between the two teams when suddenly they realized that the fires were spreading! Brush had caught and was now moving quickly. Fear of the fire seized them first, quickly followed by fear of what the parents would do. Each little boy ran home in a frenzy, desperately hoping he wouldn't be caught.

"Mom! Mom!" Dan cried to my grandma. She turned. "We... we saw these guys in the woods! They were lighting firecrackers and they started a forest fire!"

The fire department was called, the fire put out. Yet to this day, no one knows that it was not a group of teens, but rather a group of rambunctious junior highers: Dan and the Gang.

Katie's birthday party

2008-07-14T00:21:00.002-07:00

My little sister's birthday party was today. You'd never realize how loud, how truly loud a group of giggly, excited girls can be! Screaming all day... sometimes just for the heck of it. Thank goodness for the reprieves where I could slip into my room and have some peace and quiet.
But it wasn't all bad. I got to take most of the pictures and generally be a second host in addition to my mom. In all, it was actually pretty enjoyable!

So I've really been... well, doing some changing lately. I heard a brilliant message from the youth sermon on Saturday night. But I think God really spoke to my heart, more on the topic of myself than on Paul, as we were studying. I'm realizing just how arrogant and blatantly boastful I've been in the past, and I believe it's time for a change. "Humble" is the only word that has been going through my mind... it's like I nearly can't stop thinking about it. "W.W.J.D." is really becoming a regular question. I used to think of it as a nice, idyllic saying, but it's really taking on a meaning now. Anyways, just thought I'd share that with you :]

Those disgusting ads!

2008-07-12T12:04:00.003-07:00

I hate all these disgusting ads! I was just going to a website, one I visit occasionally, and was going to let my brother watch me play. After all, it's a rather amusing game, and I thought perhaps he'd like to play it after seeing how it works.

As he stood next to me, the page loaded. And what's the first thing that pops out? An unrealistic busty chick in a bikini! He, being the good little boy he is, automatically looked away. Thank goodness... but I'm so mad at that website! So uncalled for and... just, grr! I think there should be laws against that... I mean, technically the girl in the picture was "covered". But REALLY!

Needless to say, that website is off my favorites list. >:[

Game Plan: Elizabeth

2008-07-08T09:07:00.003-07:00

You are most like...

ELIZABETH!

Many people will consider you the stable, normal one. Maybe you weren't always that way. For now, though, you're able to go with the flow, but when provoked, you don't mind putting people in their place!

Take YOUR personalized quiz here!

Yay! Elizabeth!
Hmm... I'm not too sure of the "putting people in their place" part, though...
Anyways, Game Plan is a FANTABULOUS webmanga done by Inkhana! Go check it out!

You Shouldn't Run With Scissors

2008-07-08T01:11:00.002-07:00

Haha, this comic never fails to make me chuckle :] Kind of sick humor, I know. But really... the simple expressions on their little cartoon faces say it all!

A Forbidden Love

2008-07-07T00:02:00.003-07:00

Here is a short story I wrote a little while back. Hope you enjoy reading it, and constructive criticism is more than welcome!

A Forbidden Love
By J. Gould

The skies were gray in the sunless dusk. The ocean foamed at the shore, its voice like that of a purring lion. A breeze slipped around the slick rocks, embracing them. It was the same breeze that kissed the stones that also kissed the girl's cheek, gently lifting her hair behind her.
The girl's arms clung tightly around a boy; his arms were around her. Tears she wished would disappear pushed out of her eyes, sliding down her cheeks silently. The boy stroked her cheek gently.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, wiping away several tears. They were quickly replaced. There was a moment before the girl could find her voice.
“Reku, this…” She sobbed again. “…This is wrong. We can’t be together.”
Reku stared at the girl in his arms. His face revealed his confusion.
“What do you mean?” he asked, “Your father doesn’t know about us. It’ll be okay.”
The girl shook her head, a fresh wave of tears washing down her face. “That’s just it,” she said, “He doesn’t know. Reku, I-I… I’m betrothed.”
Reku took a step back in the sand, speechless.
“I’m sorry…” the girl stuttered. Reku drew back, eyes wide. His shock turned to anger and he grabbed the girl’s shoulders.
“YOU’RE BETROTHED AND YOU NEVER TOLD ME?!” he shouted, shaking her violently. The girl shook her head, looking down like a child being scolded. Her tears dripped into the water around her ankles, quickly dragged into waves.
Reku paused. “Anna…” he finally said. All anger had left his voice.
In one motion, he pulled her back into his arms and kissed her. “I love you.”
Anna hugged him tightly. “I love you too.”

The couple embraced for a few moments more before Anna finally took a step back. Her tears had stopped, but her body was shaking with the effort of keeping them in.
“Our time together has been wonderful, Reku,” she finally managed to say. Reku was silent, his eyes full of disbelief and sorrow. “…Goodbye.”
Anna turned, staring at the sand with cloudy eyes. Slowly, she walked along the beach. The water was coming closer and the tide now left her a small strip of land between the ocean and the cliff.
Reku watched helplessly, his arms limp at his sides. His heart pounded for hatred and love for the girl in a strange mixture only a lover could understand. He gazed at her until the incoming tide finally forced him to turn in the opposite direction and walk away before he was trapped against the cliff wall.

-- 4 Months Later--

Anna’s wedding went smoothly. It was a sunny day full of laughter and food. The bride was by far the happiest. A smile shone brightly upon her face for the entire day.
From behind the front lawn’s bushes, Reku sat and watched the ceremony. His heart ached terribly for the girl who was now married to another. His heart seemed to stop at the “I do’s” and his eyes filled with tears as the newlyweds kissed. A kiss that should have been his. His mind began to wander as he imagined what life would be like if they had stayed together.
Shaking the painful thoughts off, he stood up and walked away. Anna was happy; that was all that mattered.

The next morning, the groom leaned over to wake his wife with a kiss. He stopped; her skin was cold. Her body was still; her eyes open and lifeless. Her gray hand grasped a knife plunged into her chest.
The groom looked around restlessly, pulling his eyes away from his dead wife. A paper on her nightstand caught his eye. The handwriting was loopy and elegant.

I love you, Reku.

Found: God's Will (A Sermon)

2008-06-24T11:25:00.004-07:00

God's awoken a desire in me to follow Him without question. To devote my life to Him, whatever kind of life it is. To God be the glory!

I told a friend about this, and they recommended this sermon (the link is at the bottom of this post). It's really cleared some things up for me, and I highly recommend reading it. It's an hour-long sermon, so it's some pretty heavy reading, but it's worth it if you have the patience!

I encourage you to read it... I pray it will help you as much as it's helped me!

http://www.gty.org/Resources/Transcripts/80-310#top

Brought to tears

2008-06-19T11:40:00.003-07:00

Sometimes you care so deeply about a human being, it brings you to tears. That just happened last night. What a strange night it was. My mother and I were up at midnight, talking out some recent events. The night ended in a prayer.

Such a feeling is truly something new. I've never been so worried or missed someone so much to the point of true, uncontrollable tears. But I know it's in God's hands.

Ephesians 6:12
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

There's power in prayer. Thank Jesus for that. Sometimes it's the only comfort available.

Praise God, Lord of heaven and earth!

Writing can be annoying.

2008-06-09T19:43:00.002-07:00

Sometimes, writing gets annoying. This is my usual thought process:

Oh boy, I should go write on my blog! But, what should I write about? How about a story! Yes!
"Once upon a time... a girl... um..."

And by the time I finally get a story planned out, I'm so fed up with it that I close the window.

Don't you just love how annoying the human brain can be? Sometimes I envy animals.

So what's this whole God thing about?

2008-06-08T19:43:00.005-07:00

Jesus, God's only son, came to earth and lived a perfect, sinless life. He took responsibility for your sins and died on a cross so that you may appear blameless in God's sight and have eternal life in heaven. After three days in the tomb, Jesus rose from the dead and later went up to heaven to be with his Father.

What does this mean for you? It means you can have eternal life in heaven with God! You, like every other human being on earth, are a sinner. That's why Jesus died for you; so that you can be with him! God loves you like the perfect father loves his son and He wants you to be with Him!"For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 6:23)

Note: Have questions? Feel free to leave a comment. Or, if you don't want to post it publicly, you can email me at jg.paris@yahoo.com. I'll answer your questions as best I can.

Entering the Dating Scene At a Young Age

2008-06-08T18:00:00.003-07:00

Why do so many girls they have to have a male at their sides at such a young age? Freshmen girls and under feel that they need to sell themselves in order to win the guys. The bad part is they usually succeed. Congratulations, girls. You've gotten yourself a nice group of guys that would love nothing more than to have his hands on you and manipulate you.

See, that's the problem. Manipulation. "You're so beautiful... I love you... Now show me how much you love me." Don't you see what's happening? Are you really willing to give up your morals for someone who doesn't care for you as a person?

Okay, so that's not the case in all relationships. Maybe he really does love you. He wants it, but doesn't force the subject. You decide you're ready to "take the next step". But stop! What will the possible consequences be? Pregnancy, STDs, emotions you're not ready to handle, family trust issues... it's all there. "But that'll never happen to me," you say, "I'm using protection and my family's okay with it! I'm mature enough!"

Maturity means nothing if your heart is broken.
When you invest yourself in a relationship, sexual or not, you invest your emotions. Your feelings. Some of of yourself. And when that relationship is broken off, your emotions are also. You're suddenly on your own again, part of yourself stolen. After all, very few marry their high school sweethearts.

After repeated breakups, you become callous.
In the end, what is breaking up but divorce practice?

Think about it.

So the usual excuse is, "I need experience before my wedding night." But I tell you now... one of the best gifts you can give your future husband is purity.

But what if your virginity is already lost? It's not the end! You can still promise that from this moment forward, you will save yourself for your husband.

In the end, all I'm really asking is that you use your head, girls. Don't let yourself fall into a dangerous relationship. Or better, wait until you're older to date. For in the end, your heart will be hurt! Wait... and you'll be thankful in the end when you have a nice guy for a boyfriend and maybe the same nice one as a husband. Believe me.

West Fork Lake Dam, Ohio

2008-06-07T21:48:00.011-07:00

I just spent a week in Ohio. We spent an hour at West Fork Lake Dam. My dad used to go there early in the mornings just to walk around. He claims I've been there, but I have absolutely no recollection.

Anyways, here's some pictures I took with my mom's fancy camera. By "fancy", I mean it's better than we've ever had before now. So, enjoy!

There was a single little dandelion on the side of the road.

The dandelion again, but in color. Obviously. :]

Near the start of the road was a little run-down house. We couldn't figure out who the owner is... it looks abandoned. Still, it's always fun to fantasize about buying and fixing it up one day. Truly a cute little building!

And there was a fantabulous dead tree. Just had to get a picture of it! I love the way the branches stick out from all the greenery!

And... blades of grass. Not very original, but I like the way the bridge sits in the background. And I don't mean tilting. That's my own quirk.

The street we walked along.

Driftwood.

There were little boxes set up in a field of wildflowers. I'm pretty sure they're just birdhouses, but could they be bat boxes? Either way, I found them very attractive. What I wouldn't give to have a backyard that looks like that!

A picture captured as we started to leave. All the pictures are out of order, so let's just ignore that. ;]

The cute house again, from the side.

This is one of my favorite pictures taken that day. It's the cottage's front door. It looks like something out of old America. Of course, it probably is, but you get the point.

Another view of the road. Up ahead, it curves to the right. The parking lot is down a hill on the left.

This place is now on my "favorite places to photograph" list. Or even just to be at. Except for all the hidden poison ivy! Back at the hotel, my family and I had to wash down our legs. The last thing we need is a case of poison ivy. Even so, we discovered I'm allergic to grass!
In all, the trip to Ohio was great. It was fun to see all my old friends again. But although it holds many memories for me and I love the area, it just didn't feel like home anymore. In fact, I was almost looking forward to getting back home to good ol' Arizona. Even if the heat is extreme here!

The Adventures of Dan and the Gang - Ding Dong Ditching

2008-06-06T13:46:00.002-07:00

My dad has always loved telling stories of his childhood. Here is one of the first ones he's ever told me.

My father's name is Dan. He, along with his younger brother Dave and best friends Tom and Peter, used to love ding-dong-ditching. For you poor souls who have never had the chance to experience such a delight, ding-dong-ditching is when one goes door-to-door, ringing the doorbell, and hiding. Preferably done late at night. This results in a comical parent coming to the door and yelling out into the night at you "darn kids".
There was a house on the cul-de-sac that belonged to particularly gruff character. With the usual procession, the boys rang the doorbell and jumped behind some bushes. But little Dave, who was still very young at the time, didn't quite get the concept of running away.
The door opened on a frightened little boy who wasn't quite sure what to do.
"Whadyou' want?" the gruff neighbor asked, voice husky. Dave stood silent, quaking in his sneakers. Broken laughter came from behind one of the bushes.
"Who's that!" the man demanded. Dave's eyes were wide, mind no doubt trying to find a way out. In his desperation, he came to the only logical answer.
"MOT!"

The First Post

2008-06-05T19:18:00.000-07:00

Oh, I hate this part.
The first post. What are you supposed to write about? Nothing stupid. But then, you can't make it sound like a know-it-all. Friends are always a good choice, but then, does that make others feel left out?
Shall I talk about my life? No, that would be too self-centered. Well, what about yours? Wait, that wouldn't work too well. Music is usually a generic topic, but too shallow. On a blog, you should sound deep, right? Okay, deep. Deep... I could always speak of the meaning of life. But that's too obvious. Plus, it would sound like I'm intentionally trying to appear wise. How about knowledge? A step down from wise. I could always post the speech I presented on stereotypes, or perhaps the biology report that took hours. That would show that I'm knowledgeable and catch someone's interest. But once again, we arrive at the "self-centered" problem.
Oh, how I hate this part! The first post is like a first impression. "Who is this person?" "What is this person like?" "Is this person just the same as all the others?" There is simply too much pressure!
I could write about me. A repeat of filling out all of the profile information... only worded differently. That would give me an easy way out. Or, should I just dive right in? Pretend I've been doing this blog for years and start off with just a diary-like entry. "Today was like any other day... blah blah blah..."

I could write about the people around me. That would sort of combine a bunch of topics into one. But are we just going in a circle, then? Friends.
This is the part of having a blog that I hate! Being judged. It's like someone's holding a gun to your back saying to post something good or you're going to have to move to a different blogging website and come up with a new name so that all your blogging shame can be erased. That horrid first post. Does the first post define who you are? Does it define my entire being?! WILL LIFE GO ON IF I DO A BAD FIRST POST?!

Well, duh.
I'm still here, aren't I?